You know that beautiful but terrible movie Under the Tuscan Sun?
TT: I finally realized I hate that movie so much because I'm Frances. Always wanting what I don't have.
Remember when Frances is complaining to the real estate agent about all the things she wants, and later in the movie he shows her how she got everything she wanted, just not the way she wanted it?
I've wished things were different for so long, but I never defined different. I never imagined I would outlive my goals. I never planned to live out my full 111 years.
One of the books I read early this year was The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle, a student of Deepak Chopra (someone I believe suffered a psychotic break and made it work for him). Tolle's thesis is every day is a continual fresh slate. I am not bound by the person I was yesterday. That person is gone.
One of my mantras this year is "change is constant." I cannot infuse those incredibly profound words with as much meaning as they convey. Maybe if I learned them in another language it would leave a more permanent mark on my soul.
TT: I just got the irony in that thought. Permanent mark about constant change.
My Dear Friend introduced me to Tuck Everlasting years ago, another thesis on the need for life to move forward. Life is not safe. Life is experience until death. After that, who knows but God? Life is supposed to be dangerous, and messy, and full of mistakes, and hard. Maybe even full of regrets.
I find comfort in the idea that in some other multiverse, there is a "me" who made different choices, and has different regrets, and wishes her life was like mine. Bless her. I wish her well, whoever she became. Whoever she is becoming. Perhaps we'll grow toward each other as the years pass.
Keep the faith.