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The Real Turtle

If I were a month, I’d be March.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be Early Morning.
If I were a planet, I’d be Pluto.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Sea Cucumber.
If I were a direction, I’d be Right.
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a Lounge.
If I were a liquid, I’d be Soap.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an Opal.
If I were a tree, I’d be a Willow.
If I were a tool, I’d be an Awl.
If I were a flower, I’d be a Wild Rose.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a Rain Storm.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a C Trumpet.
If I were a color, I’d be Cobalt Blue.
If I were an emotion, I’d be Melancholy.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a Pineapple.
If I were a sound, I’d be Silence.
If I were an element, I’d be Sodium.
If I were a car, I’d be a Subaru Brat.
If I were a food, I’d be Mashed Potatoes.
If I were a place, I’d be a Willow Grove.
If I were a material, I’d be Sackcloth.
If I were a taste, I’d be Bittersweet.
If I were a scent, I’d be Lemon Mint.
If I were an object, I’d be a Compass.
If I were a body part, I'd be a Churning Stomach.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a Raised Eyebrow.
If I were a song, I’d be a Ballad.
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be Orthopedic Sneakers.

If I were a character, I'd be Raven.

Except I'm Caissa.

- Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but don't blame Him for my bad behavior. I'm a work in progress.
- The Bible is inerrant and absolutely essential as an instruction manual for being human and understanding the meaning of life.
- I practice and support conservative values.
- I am a recovering Farmville addict.
- I like dogs, but I'm addicted to cats.
- The Mystics from The Dark Crystal are my favorite movie Muppets.
- I prefer mutts to purebreds.  
- I kept a frog for a friend. Once.
- I owned two newts and loved them both. I don't know how they felt about me.
- I like my gray hair and wish I had more of it.
- I like chores but not exercise.
- I do not trust scales. I judge my weight by how my clothes fit.
- I would rather be Vulcan than Klingon.
- Cookie Monster is my favorite old Muppet.
- I am afraid of heights, even in movies. 
- I never fast-forward through the movie Galaxy Quest.
- I am younger than you might think and older than you might guess. 
- I tend toward melancholy. 
- I prefer beginnings to endings.
- I would rather be a hobbit than an elf.
- Pierre the Shrimp is my favorite new Muppet. 
- My desire to play piano is greater than my skill.
- I used to draw stories as well as write them.
- I prefer things that increase in detail the more you examine them. 
- I would never kill my own food but I do eat meat.
- I will never knowingly eat octopus or dolphin. Or parrots.
- I can pick up a grain of rice with chopsticks, but who wants to eat one grain of rice?
- My home has more chairs than cats but they still want the chair I'm sitting in.
- I recycled before green was the new black.
- I gave up compost bins and now have compost piles. Everywhere.
- I cook by putting ingredients I like into the same pot. I eat whatever comes out. 
- I regularly over-stuff my soups.
- I prefer chocolate to vegetables.
Man-made climate change is a load of compost, and not the organic kind.
- I would rather read than vacuum. 
- Cats have tails so I don't have to dust. 
- I will not kill a bug in my house, nor knowingly allow a bug to be killed. Except mosquitos.