Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A New Thought

I may be depressed.

Shocking, yes, that I might think this now, considering most of my posts for the last year could be tagged "depression," but when you're in the water, it's hard to see the waves.

I don't have anything to be depressed about. I love my job (haven't starting doing the new job yet, so I can't speak to that). Everybody in the turtle household is healthy. My life has no real problems in it, especially when compared to other people (something I did a lot of while sitting at the DMV). I have no reason to be depressed.

I told My Dear Friend I was considering buying St. John's Wort, something I haven't taken in 15 years, because weekends seem increasingly difficult. "But I don't think it's that bad. Nowhere near what my nervous breakdown was like."

"How bad does it have to be to be depression?" was her innocent question.

Hmm. 

I'm always tired. Tears are waiting and ready for any opportunity. I'm snapping at people like an arthritic dog. The smallest problem becomes a huge mountain of horror and incapacitating trauma. Things I used to love doing - working outside, writing, rearranging furniture - are all too "hard" to do anymore. Even if I do them, what's the point? Entropy is Master of the Earth and she will not be conquered.

I may pull out my DSM-IIIR (Diagnositc and Statistical Manual III, Revised) to confirm, but, Doc, I think I'm depressed with depressed and irritable mood.

Guess I'll be stopping by the Health Food Mart.

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, Turtle :(. I know what depression feels like. Yes, you need to do something. Does St. John's Wort really work? I've always wondered.

    And can I make a suggestion? Look at what you are eating when you are feeling your worst. Oddly, for me, a culprit is chocolate. I had to quit eating milk chocolate because of a dairy allergy, but then dark chocolate actually makes me depressed. I know, that sounds completely insane, and I'm not suggesting it's the culprit with you! But maybe something in your diet is contributing?

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  2. I have totally been there. I know what it's like to want to cry all the time, to have the tears brimming just below the surface. In the end, it needed a new direction in my thinking, a new project and new vision to focus on. That's what generally pulls me out, even if it takes a while to find. So looking forward to hanging out with you! Maybe we'll find you a new spark, eh?

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  3. Kat, I used St. John's Wort to battle my post-breakdown depression for two years. It acts as a euphoric, but when you're so down you can't *see* "up," a euphoric isn't so bad. The cons are inability to sleep if you take it at night and a hard time concentrating on detail work, which is bad for my new job. I'm hoping it'll act like a kick-start to get me moving until my chemistry adjusts to something more normal.

    As to food, I've made more than one meal of Doritos because I'm too tired or too apathetic to cook. Don't know if that's a cause or an effect.

    Grace, fear not! I won't burst into tears while you're here. We'll be having far too good a time. I make no promises for after you're gone. ;)

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