Reflection on Recovery

 I've been in recovery - from menopause, turns out - about six years. My moment of clarity came Dec 16, 2019 when I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. It was killing my soul but my body refused to die. 

I attended Celebrate Recovery to start. I'd been watching Elementary and loved how recovery was woven into the storylines. Someone understands addiction. I became aware of Jordan Peterson and the 12 Rules for Life. I started a thankfulness journal. I don't like the word gratitude. It has negative connotations for me, as though it's something owed. You should be grateful. Yeah, well, maybe I should, but I'm not and you can't make me. 

My journal was initially just food that I liked. I was so low I couldn't think of anything to thank God for other than food. But I did it, every day. All day long I would write anything I could think of that turned my mind into happy places instead of dark, miserable, I wish I was dead places. It was very hard in the beginning. 

I made new ruts in the tracks of my mind. I changed my brain, as Dr. Daniel Amen would say. I sought happiness, like Arthur Brooks would encourage. I willingly embraced the suffering of life and aimed higher to reach the best possible outcome, as Jordan Peterson would teach. 

I clawed my way out of The Pit into the sunlight. I'm a few steps from the edge now. I occasionally slip backwards but I'm not free-falling. I keep my eyes up. 

Life is hard. I get that now. It wasn't hard for me until my mid-40s, so I wasn't prepared. I'd never had to struggle. I didn't understand what was happening or why it was happening. I blamed God for not protecting me. I cursed Him because He didn't make it stop. 

Protestants do themselves a disservice by not focusing more on how terrible life can be, and how rarely hardship is prayed away. I've learned -almost every time- prayer changes me to be able to accept circumstances instead of changing circumstances. There is no justice in this life. Justice comes after this life. Accepting that is the key to moving forward. 

I don't need the thankfulness journal as much as I used to. Saying thank you is a habit now, even for rough stuff. I still have rough days, and, yes, weeks, but my brain has changed enough to remember to look up and concentrate on why God is God even when I don't like what's happening. Focus matters, and I choose my focus. 

Keep the faith.