The Struggle

 The menopause journey continues its ups and downs. Mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, worse insomnia, racing heart, frozen shoulder - left side, naturally - and belly fat that doubled overnight and remains. I've embraced the reality of exercise and lifting heavy shit - quoth Stacy Sims - although I don't have a lot of endurance unless I'm working in the Swamp. 

Exercise does improve my next day, even if it doesn't always lift my mood the same day. Earlier this month, I discovered eating processed sugar, like Halloween candy, gives me a terrible headache within 5 minutes. This is good news. I've not been able to shake that kind of sugar by willpower alone. The headaches don't respond to ibuprofen. I don't want them, so I appear to be done with candy. 

I'm experimenting with supplements to combat all these symptoms. I'm no longer afraid of HRT, but I don't think I can afford it. Even vaginal estrogen is like $500 every 90 days. The medical industrial complex wants unhealthy women. They're easier to exploit. 

I have many days where I'm fine. Earlier this week, I took a vacation day and spent 8 hours in the Swamp planting, transplanting, mulching, raking, pruning and chipping. I felt completely fine the next day. No new aches. 

It rained for the first time in a month yesterday - which is why I took that lovely weather day off to plant. The rain has stopped for the moment so I went outside to get my exercise in. 

I'm exhausted after an hour. Maybe two. I have no energy. No desire to move bricks or rake leaves or prepare the newest pile of stuff to be chipped next weekend. I know the feeling will pass. I have come a long way in my depression journey and I now have lots of coping mechanisms for dealing with this, not least of which is knowing that much of it comes from menopause and the removal of estrogen from my body. 

I just wish my body wasn't part of the problems in my life. I wish the Swamp looked like I'd done something to it for 10 hours this week. I wish a load of mulch would arrive tomorrow and give me some heavy shit to lift. 

Blessed are you Eternal Spirit who has given us life, sustained us and allowed us to arrive at this moment.