Logged in this morning and discovered yesterday's post saved as a draft so I missed my goal of 1 more post than the last big posting year. Thanks, life. You suck.
When the Wolfriders met the Gliders, the two leaders have a powwow about worldviews. Cutter accuses Winnowill of letting her people feed on themselves. They've spend centuries inside the mountain, insulated from the real world, looking only inward for purpose. Little does he know she has retained her vitality in exactly the opposite way.
My fear-response to loss is to insulate. Every major loss I've suffered in life has led to removing any chance of ever suffering that kind of loss again. Loss of my dad, loss of a potential marriage partner, loss of a rabbit, loss of a home. This makes for a small life, and, eventually, I began to feed on myself. I was starving without dying.
Enter recovery. Going outside of self to empathize with another. To learn new coping skills. To do different uncomfortable or frightening things because that's what life is. Life is always uncomfortable or frightening. Some people thrive on that. Some people have to learn it the hard way.
I was ready to give up cats. I've lost enough of them and the pain only gets worse. I think God told me no. I may be justifying my actions or misreading the situation, but I was quite serious when I told Him I was done. If I had to choose between Him and cats, I would choose Him and I'd try to be happy about it. And then He threw two more cats into my life. And I truly started learning about trust.
Because I can't give up loss and still live. There is only loss ahead of me now unless I expand and seek out new challenges. Find new friends. Find ways to serve. Find skills to learn. Do something instead of waiting for it all to end. It may start with cats because God knows I will try harder to succeed with a cat than I ever would with a human. I hope, though, that I will continue to expand into humanity. Into a broader world with different experiences that I may hate, but will still provide meaning. That's my goal for 2024.
Keep the faith.