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Friday, April 23, 2021

Why I Blog

If it isn't clear, my blog is a journal. Not of every dark secret but basically a written account of the travails of the Turtle. When I started blogging all those years ago, I couldn't write enough. I had three blogs I wrote daily and sometimes more than one post per day. I was young, happy, and excited about life's possibilities.

Yeah, that's over. 

I stopped blogging mainly because I had said everything I wanted to say and started repeating myself. Depression is the same script, after all, and writing that script doesn't help in the slightest. I get tired of my own depression, so I'm sure y'all are completely sick of it. Depression is dull. 

I resumed blogging for two reasons. One, I needed to write about recovery. I needed to do something different and different is admitting the problem openly. Most of the time, writing helps me get a handle on my circumstances. It has helped me do that.  

Two, I was curious if I could still do it. Thanks to FB, my writing life had narrowed to sentences posted to my feed. Easier, yes, but not necessarily better. Since leaving FB and TV, I've resumed reading, resumed crafting of various kinds, and resumed blogging. I don't know that there's a direct correlation but not being reminded of the griefs of my past or the stupidity of the present is good for now. I need real people who are in my physical sphere of influence to focus on. One reason to return to church. I have a chance to do good for those folks. 

Blogging doesn't fit my schedule as easily as it once did. I replaced gaming and vegging with reading and hugelkulturing. My weekends are focused more on seeing family than staying home with the ipad or dvds. As always, I'm seeking balance with alone time - of which I need a lot - and not-alone time, which has proven benefits. 

And, this week, I've resumed writing one of my books. I know I am taking my emotional life in my hands with this action. The last three times I have tried to do this, Satan has hit me so hard with trauma/drama I've folded into depression and panic attacks without a prayer. 

TT: Proof? I resumed writing in 2016 and four animals died in nineteen days. I resumed writing in 2017 and a feral cat and five kittens showed up and tumbled me into chaos and depression for three years. I resumed writing in February 2021 and a stray cat showed up within two weeks and nearly killed me with anxiety until I found a home for her. 

The garage is closed for business. I have plans in place for stray cats now. I have made what peace I can with my guys dying, although they currently appear healthy and obnoxious as ever. 

We'll see. I have no expectations other than trying something new. Something new would be to keep going. 

Keep the faith. 

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