My greatest fear - other than Jaws - is doing the wrong thing. My entire life is built around the premise that I have the ability to make the right choice in any given situation all the time.
This is obvious nonsense and a huge source of both my recurring depression and anxiety, but I can't seem to shut it down.
I can cover on the big issues. Drunkenness, drug addiction, gambling, money management - got that under control, mostly by following biblical instruction, with a strong inclination to avoid anything that makes my heart rate increase. As time goes on, though, even avoiding the big wrongs, the little ones pile up. Most of those probably don't even fall into the category of "wrong." Is it wrong to eat cold cereal instead of hot? Is it wrong to move those bricks when you know you'll just move them again? Is it wrong to eat fast food when you have something at home?
I identified this in college as perfectionism, and became a recovering perfectionist. Learning how to separate real right and wrong from choices with neutral moral value. That was a "right" choice.
See how sneaky it is?
Because as time piles up behind you, unless you're a complete idiot, you will notice that some of those innocuous seeming choices really did have consequences and they came back to bite you. Like having six cats in a house too small for them that ultimately leads to four animals dying of stress-related illnesses within 19 days of each other in 2016 that triggers a four-year clinical depression in their surviving human. So now you have to plan even farther ahead, examine every angle of every decision to see if you're missing something that could ultimately go incredibly wrong. This is impossible, I know, yet I try to do it. To protect myself from doing wrong. To protect myself from going insane.
Somewhere I got the idea if I can think it, I should plan for it. Insanity. The depression, the anxiety, the constant internal debate over what to do or not do - I can't do it anymore. Yet I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let God be God and let the consequences fall as they may. I'm not talking about betting my house on the roll of the dice. I'm talking about whether or not to adopt another cat. That's a silly thing to go crazy over, yet I am going crazy. The issue should be resolved yet I cannot let it go.
Pray for me, please, that God will let me know in a tangible way that's He got it all covered. Trust that I am praying, too, minute by minute as I try to catch my breath around my racing heart.
Keep the faith.
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