Friday, December 23, 2016

Holes


When people of good heart see someone in pain, they want to do something to help. They want to lend support, bring meals, give hugs or chocolate or both. They want to make the pain stop.

I wish to thank all my friends, family and co-workers - for thinking of me, for praying for me and mine, and for wanting to help.

Like Little Brother, I will repel your advances. I cannot be cuddled. I cannot be gifted out of grief. I will accept chocolate for later, but I have no stomach for it now. I cannot talk about this with you right now. I cannot cry in front of you.

I know this is not typical. Most people seem to find comfort in other people. I assume this is why they marry and have families.

Friendship has a shape. It has weight. It displaces volume. When a friend is ripped away, a hole is left. Nothing but that friend fits that hole. Other friends can gather close and press against that hole, but they don't fill it.

Grief is the process of transferring the shape that used to walk across the bed into a shape that walks across the heart only, until we all meet again on the Last Day.

I am not despairing. I am not contemplating self-harm. I am not cursing God. I am missing my friends.

Thank God grief, even intense grief, cannot be sustained. I will have periods of distress and periods of calm, and one will grow shorter while the other grows longer. Grief comes in like the tide, but it rolls out again, too.

Thank you all for your love. I value it. If you must do something, show love to each other all the more. You never know when a hole will come.

Keep the faith.

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