A Weekend of Self-Loathing (or Why I Will Never Be Published)

Forgive the self-indulgent nature of today's post. I'm lacking sleep, and hope, and any kind of moderating influence on my mood. I have a cat I think is dying, and that tends to skew my perception, no matter how often it happens.

I intended not to post because of my mood. But, I've set myself to chronicle my journey toward publication, and this is part of that journey. Stop reading now if you also are prone to melancholy. Or irritation with negative thinking. I have nothing positive to write this morning.

I tried to find this quote online, but it has multiple permutations. I doubt I would recognize who said it even if I stumbled on the answer by accident.

"You can tell how great a person is by what it takes to discourage him."

Well, by that measure, I'm about as small a person as you can find. This may come as a shock considering some of the things I've posted here, but I hate myself for being so easily discouraged. I suffer from what behaviorists call "learned helplessness."

I am not a fighter. If a door closes, I don't look for a window. I sit down. I figure God knows me. If He really wants me to go a certain way, He knows I need a wide open door with flashing neon arrow lights and, just to be certain, a tour guide assuring me, "yes, you're really supposed to be here."

Perhaps it is my Scorpio nature of "deep water" that makes me so willing to stop at the first obstacle. Many of my friends are Cancers -moving water- and they never seem to get discouraged. If a door closes, they find a way around it. Or over it. Or under it. They keep pushing until the door breaks and never a care for whether they should.

TT: Some of my readers will recoil at the use of Greek Zodiac mythology in defining myself. Please do. I never encourage anyone to get involved with such things. I do not read horoscopes, and I do not consult mediums. I researched the personality traits in my younger years, and as is so often the case with me, once learned, always applied. My apologies.

So much of publication is overcoming obstacles: our own insecurities, multiple rejections, mastering the business side, which is generally contrary to the right-brained nature of fiction writing.

TT: It occurs to me writers who write "for a living" may use their left brain to do so. I've never considered that. I suppose there's a post in there somewhere.

I do not naturally overcome obstacles. Therefore, I will not achieve publication.

If my current mood continues, this will be a week of self-loathing posts, and tomorrow's will focus on "The Curse of Natural Ability." 

I suppose I should try to end with something positive. How about God loves me, whether I'm published or not?

And this mood will pass. It always does. I just wish it wasn't visiting quite so often lately.